dear santa

please. for christmas, i ask for two things only. ..

firstly. i just want to be able to let go of him. of what we had. because i hate feeling like this.

and second. there's this guy. he is absolutelygorgeous.

whenever i see him. he always smiles at me. and i get this feeling in my gut and chest.

like one day he'll mean so much to me, and i'll mean so much to him. i just want to meet him. to talk to him.

well actually. i want him to talk to me. because it's like i know he wants to. we're just both too shy. or something.

anyway, these are probably the hardest things to make happen.

(and yes, i know santa isn't actually real)

but i just thought, since it's christmas time and all, the i'd wish for the two things that would mean the most to me.

[well, that's apart from my family being happy, healthy etc...]

24 things about an ordinary teenage girl

1 i love the smell of freshley cut grass.

2 i can't stand the sound of noisy eating.

3 no matter what i tell people, i'm having serious trouble getting over my ex.

4 i get jealous easily but i don't let it show
5 i want to be a doctor. i think.
6 mylifeisaverage.com - 'nuff said.
7 i just want to be someones hardest goodbye and favourite hello.
8 i can't really trust any guy that i'm not related to now.
9 i believe that global warming is no where near as bad as they make it out to be.
10 i've always wanted to get a story published on mylifeisaverage.com
11 i laugh/smile extremely easily. hence why i suck at games like 'i love you honey smile'
12 i wish that i didn't have to decide what i want to do with the rest of my life at this age.
13 summer is my favourite season.
14 i've always wanted to have a blog. and now i do :)
15 i have exercise induced asthma.
16 i really should join the gym like i've been saying i will.
17 i need a job.
18 my left eye is smaller than my right eye. no, you cannot tell.
19 wild pair is my favourite shop.
20 'wish you were here' by pink floyd is my favourite song.
21 i really miss a lot of people right now.
22 sometimes i wish for a fresh start.
23 i am really attatched to my family lol
24 i wish i had more courage.

to the guy who i messed around when my broken heart was just new..

im sorry. i know those two words mean nothing coming from me now but, it's true. i wish i could take it all back and we could just be friends again.
i want you to know that i'm always here if you ever change your mind. and ,
i couldn't do it then , but if you ever want to hear it i think i'm strong enough to explain to you how much he hurt me. if you just let me explain then maybe you'll understand why i fucked up so bad. i never in a million years would want to hurt you. but, i did and i can't take that back. all i can do is just make sure you know that i'm here. and i always will be. take your time. and when you're ready. if you ever are. i'll be here with open arms and an open heart. ready to start our friendship again. just; don't delete my number because, hopefully. one day. you'll need it.


p.s i know that you will probably ever read this but i needed to get it outta me. i don't really feel like i have anyone to tell who would really listen to me and try to understand my feelings at the moment. so here it is. what i'm feeling. not all of it but the outline. and, one day maybe i'll get up enough courage to actually tell you these things in person. i hope i do. but for now. this is it.

as we grow up we learn even the one person who wasn't supposed to let us down probably will.
you'll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
you'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when someone broke yours.
you'll fight with your best friend and maybe even fall in love with them.
you'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
you'll cry because time is passing by too fast and you'll eventually lose someone close to you.
so take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt.
because every 6O seconds you spend angry or upset

is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

She's just waiting for the summertime
when the weathers fine. She could hitch a
ride out of town. & so far away from that
low down good for nothing mistake making fool.
with excuses like 'baby that was a long time ago'.
But that's just a euphenism if you want the truth,
he was out of control.

But a short times a long time
when your mind just won't let it go.

Well summer came along and then it was gone
and so was she. Not from him because he followed
her just to let her know. 'Dreams are dreams'.
& all this livings so much harder than it seems.

But girl don't let your dreams be dreams.
You know this livings not so hard as it seems.

Don't let your dreams be dreams.
Your dreams your dreams be dreams.

Jack Johnson.

summer.
coromandel.
new years.
2 1/2 weeks.
you 6O mins away.
i hope i see you.
but.
at the same time.
i hope i don't.

if i do.

i just don't know.

what i'd say.

what i'd do.

i just.

i want to see.

what you'd do.

if.

if you'd talk to me.

even acknowledge me.

or not.

i have a theory. you got scared. scared of love. scared of commitment. scared of us. but why ? we were perfect together. i was the happiest i have ever been. you made me laugh when i didn't even want to smile. we were in love. it was true. it was real. i trusted you. i believed in you. you were my absolute and utter everything. you had my heart. and you broke it. not just in two. in a million little pieces. its still like that you know. in a million little pieces. i don't know how to fix it without you. or even if i can just yet. i always thought it would take more strength to hold on. but now i know. it takes a heck of a lot more strength. to just let go. to move on. i havn't even completely let go yet. or moved on. it's hard. almost too hard. but not quite. i just havn't got there yet. i will. it might take some time. but i'll get there. slowly my heart will mend. slowly i'll learn to trust guys again. hopefully it won't take too long. i don't know how long i can deal with this feeling. of not having you. when you're all that i want. i know that you're not good for me. that i shouldn't feel this way. especially about someone like you. but i do. i can't tell my heart how to feel. although i wish i could. but that's impossible. and to be quite frank. it sucks. feeling this way. nobody should ever have to go through that. go through what you put me through. it's hell. huh. i've been to hell and back. well not quite back yet. but i'm getting there. i think. you know what else i think. of course you don't. you're not edward cullen. you can't read minds. but i wish you could. because then. then you would understand what you meant. no. mean to me. well. i think. i think that guys shouldn't protect their egos so much. you knew i was going to break up with you. so you broke up with me first. just to protect your stupid fuckin' ego. what. a. joke. it's sad. sad how you let your fears over rule something so perfect. so amazing. something that made us both so happy. but that's life i guess. perfect doesn't exist. shit happens. and well. you know it's love when you can't hate them for breaking your heart. so. i'll get over it. i'll move on. you already have. moved on that is. i don't know if you're over it. you probably lie to yourself. tell yourself that you are. but deep down. you know you're not. and. that like me. you never really will be.

why can't i

just let go ?

and i can see the world
from a view that never stops
and if we hold hands we can do this
be a dream that life forgot
this is a place that never sleeps
where your dreams are brought to life
so just come with come with me come
take a leap of faith tonight
close your eyes, don't look down
don't let go.

if there ever is a tomorrow
when we're not together
there's something you must remember ..
you are .. .
braver than you believe ,
stronger than you seem ,
and smarter than you think.
but .. .
the most important thing is ..
even if we're apart ,
i will always be with you.
- Christopher Robin to Pooh

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE ?
THE WIZARD OF OZ ? YOU NEED
A BRAIN ? YOU NEED A HEART ?
GO AHEAD. TAKE MINE.
TAKE EVERYTHING I HAVE.