cool so finally you learn how to not be so shy and make my life by asking if i wanna have a movie night sometime. yay =] .. and then because my immune system is so wack at the moment my body decides to get strep throat and now not only do i have a suuuper sore throat and no appetite i also have a rash all over my upper body including my face. this better be fucking gone by friday so that i can finally spend some time with you cause i have been waiting my whole life for this. : /

i dont even know how to explain it. its like i cant give up on you. sometimes it makes me think that its 'meant to be' or whatever. other times it makes me think im stupid. either way i ain't stopping. cause something is happening. something good. and it feels right. no, not just right. its feels like its supposed to happen. i duno, hard to explain really. please just dont be too shy anymore. because soon. soon ill stop. soon i really will give up. it may not seem like it. but i will. im not waiting round for 'maybe'. i need 'now'. i need you.

okay, so my last post was all about the earhthquake, took me a few days to write in between doing my seven page p.e assignment and talking to people on facebook and school etc etc.. anyways, for another massively long post from moi :

my brother moved down to dunedin over a month ago, havent seen his pretty little face other than in photos since then. im finding it really hard to grasp and to handle really, especially last week. i was very sick with some virus thing, and whenever im sick or upset or anything along those lines the first person i want is him. he is home to me, which i know is weird. you dont here many teenage girls asking for their brother when they're upset or sick, most want their mums or dads, sisters or best friend maybe. but i guess my brother and i have quite a unique relationship, hes like my protector. not to say i dont want my mum or dad or sister when im sick because its very comforting having them there too. but i was on the verge of tears all last week because i wanted jack, yet i couldnt see him. and thats when it really began to hit home that he wasnt just on holiday, that he wasnt coming back anytime soon. mum keeps telling me that i just dont seem happy anymore, ive noticed that shes only been saying that since he left. that really shocked me because during the day, when im around my friends im happy as anything, but she doesnt see that. its when i get home that im upset and i assume thats because my big brother isnt here anymore, when im with my friends it takes my mind off it, i can pretend that hes going to be there when i get home. but when i actually get home and he ain't there, i duno. its like something inside me ticks over, everything pisses me off and i can only just keep myself from crying at the smallest things. there are very few people ive ever missed this much in my life. only know that he misses me too and that i will get to see him soon hopefully keeps me from going crazy. iloveyoubro.

when i think that the last time i posted was only a month & a bit ago it freaks me out.
so so much has happened in that time. its a bit scary.

February 22 was just a normal day. well maybe a bit better than normal cause i had talked to 'this guy' on the phone the night before =P .. i was in stats, as usual using the period to hang out with friends and, occasionally do the work. when with maybe 5 minutes to go my friend told me there had been a massive earthquake in Christchurch. yes it was only 4.1 magnitude but when a quake of that magnitude is only 5km deep it can and will cause devestation. so many emotions overcame me in those next 5 minutes , shock,disbelief,denial,questioning,fear. and finally when it sunk in,sadness. the thought of having to finish the school day and go to dragon boating without knowing whether or not my family and a very good friend of mine were okay seemed incomprehensible. i was overcome with this need to help, but i knew that all i could do was give money and show my support, other than that there was nothing i could do. i wasnt a trained professional, just another high school student feeling utterly helpless. so close yet so far away, that night it felt like i was watching the news from a different country. it just couldn't be new zealand that this disaster had struck. aotearoa, my home, so little, so helpless, yet so strong, so powerful, and so so amazing. tears fell more than once that night watching the news. with relief when finding out everyone i knew was okay, and when realising the amounts of people trapped under the tonnes of rubble being shown on the tv. it was so surreal. this sort of stuff isnt supposed to happen to us. to little nz , chillin at the bottom of the pacific ocean. but on 22/2/11 'this sort of stuff' did happen. and it affected & touched every last person in 'little nz' in one way or another. everybody knows somebody or knows somebody who knows somebody who was in christchurch for that terrifying earthquake. its what rhys darby likes to call "2 degrees of seperation". still, 2 weeks later i cant seem to come to terms with the immense devestation in chch, even after hearing some people's stories first hand, it still feels so surreal to me. im doing my best to do whatever i can to help christchurch in the wake of this event but really , when you've given money and shown your support what more is there other than hope ?            kia kaha christchurch