i can't believe you're leaving
like no joke but actually leaving
you've been here my whole life
sure, i knew you'd leave sometime
just never thought it'd come round this quickly
never thought seventeen (by the time you leave) years could go by so fast
yeah , she's coming back
and i'm more freakin' excited than anyone could imagine
but somehow
and i don't know how; but somehow
you leaving takes so much away
from my being excited to have her back home next year
sometimes , i can't believe that you would leave me
in this shithole they call eastbourne
what am i gonna do
in the holidays when i cbf going all the way into town or the Hutt to see people
or when i need cheering up and you're the only one who knows how to
when i need someone to playfight with
or play boardgames with and act like we were 5 & 7 again
to just hang out with when im over my friends and the rents
guess i'm just gonna have to suck it up huh ?
you've got the opportunity of a lifetime
and there's no way in hell im going to stop you taking it

i guess im just scared that my big bro is gonna forget that his little sister is still stuck at home , going to school and watching disney & the hangover by herself when he's partying it up and starting to live his dream at uni

O1. Do you like blue cheese?

not oooooverly
O2. Have you ever smoked?
a cigarette ? no cant say i have. probably wouldn't want to seeing as i've got asthma and all ...
O3. Do you own a gun?
yup .. water gun, gotta be prepared
O4. What is your favourite cordial flavour?
lemon & barley
O5. Do you get nervous before Doctor appointments?
depends on what it's for . not usually
O6. What do you think of hot dogs?
i think they are rather tasty
O7. Favourite Christmas moive?
The Santa Clause
O8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
glass of milk

O9. Do you do push-ups?
occasionally , i can do them if i have to

1O. What’s you favourite piece of jewellery?
greenstone necklace & my rings

11. Favourite hobby?
Football (not the american type)

12. Do you have A.D.D?
well i think my mum would know if i did so i'd saaaaaay no. nope. don't have ADD.

13. What’s the one thing you hate about yourself?
jeeez you're nosy aren't ya ?

14. Middle name?
Alexandra. yes, i know, but i'm warming to it. slowly. very slowly.

15. Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
man i have a disgusting brother. school can go hump a tree. somebody needs to have a paaaartaaaaay

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
earl grey tea with milk & 1 sugar (you can't blame me , i am pretty much full pom). water. juice.

17. Current worry?
schoooool.

18. Current hate right now?
school

19. Favourite place to be?
home

2O. What are you listening to right now?
right this very second ? ags vs. mags rugby game.

21. Where would you like to go?
england. to see my sister

22. What is your favourite song?
Billionare, Cooler Than Me, oooooor Kick Push

23. Do you own slippers?
can't say i do actually. last ones i owned were probably those dog ones you used to be able to get when i was like eight.

24. What colour shirt are you wearing right now?
Black.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
can't say. never have.

26. Can you whistle?
that , iiiiiiiiiiiii .... sure can :)

27. Favourite Colour?
blue. sky blue or cobalt blue.

28. Would you be a pirate?
oh heeeeeeells no ! NINJAS are the way of the future my friends.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
whatever's in thy head

3O. Favouite girls name?
hard to say, don't have one actually.
31. Favourite boys name?
Jack (yes i know it's my brother's name) or maybe .... i dunno .. other names too though.
32. What’s in your pocket right now?
nothing. zero. zilch.
33. Last thing that made you laugh?
watching bits of Bruno.
34. Best bed sheets as a child?
Jungle ones.
35. Worst injury you have ever had?
concussion or cutting my knee open
36. Do you love where you live?
most of the time

37. How many TV’s do you have in your house?
uno

38. Who is your loudest friend?
hmmmmm they are all pretty loud buuuut probably Izzy.
39. How many dogs do you have?
tahi
4O. Does someone have a crush on you?
how am i supposed to know that ? it's not like i go round asking people
41. What book are you reading at the moment?
The Colour Purple
42. What’s your favourite candy?
hmmmm , every candy ever
43. What’s your favourite sports team?
ALL WHITES

I like how you share your food with me in general studies! I like how I laughed when I realised that it was your brother on the TV! Hahaha and I like that instead of a hoodie, that the rest of the school has you have a VEST for your football team! HAHAHA

i like your hugs and how excited we both get when we see each other. i like that we were never at that awkward friend stage. i like that you are really open to your like for brown boys and that we end up talking about hot boys most of the time. i like your skills when it comes to football and i LOVE that you know what... you want to do with your life and you are going for it. I really like that you are easy to talk to. :) I LOVE YOU!


Tess,
You light up my life. I like your beautiful smile, and i especially liked the way you wore your hair for footbal against palmy! It was caaaa-ute. I like that you always have the most hiarious things to say, and even if you don't you still manage to improve my day ten-fold! I like that you're very true-to-yourself ...and that the only changes you've made to yourself over the past few years that I've known you have been good ones!
I like that we've had a million good times together over the past few years with many many more to come! :) xxxxxxxx
 
WOLF! I like how you're real funny, and how you're better at all sport than me. I DONT like how you beat me in an arm wrestle! Oh, and of course, I like how I'm boys with your brother.
 
I like how you are really out going and sporty. I guessed that when i first met you. I like how you are real. I like that you have jungle fever haha. I like your lastname. I like how we had science together last year. :) x
 
i like how much you like soccer. i like how i've known you for a very long time. and i can reminecse with you, and only you. i think your very cute, and i dont mind that you swear a lot. i like how your always injured and when your sick and you sound like a man, i enjoy it. i like how you could beat me up. but you wuldn...'t. good times, all those times. just too many to even comment about. i hope you and winston reid get married. that would be mint :)

Tess. I like how much you love the All Whites...coz they are awesome!! I like that you have a good relationship with your brother. I like that we were in the same football team last year. I like that you used to go to pump. I like that you are very into your sports and are very competitive :)

i love my friends xD

i wish i was free of all this shit.

free of people telling me what to do. free to do what i want. when i want.

free to go anywhere with whoever.

free to have fun and not have to worry about anyone or anything.

free to folllow my dreams , with the chances to do so that everyone else seems to have.

free to just be me. with nobody judging me or comparing me to others.

free to be accepted by people for being myself and no one else.

just free i guess.

good weekend and shit weekend at the same time.

my brother... he's getting invited to the highlanders rugby academy next year. so he gets to follow his dream of playing professional rugby and go to uni cause the academy pays for it.
yes im super proud of him but i just can't be happy about it at the moment because now he acts like the freakin world revolves around him and doesn't give a shit about me. and the fact that he gets to follow his dream but there's no chance im ever going to get to follow mine makes me so fucking upset and pissed off that i want to cry whenever i think about it. and at the moment i can't stand him. which i absolutely hate because we are usually so close and have heaps of fun.

cousins and aunty... my cousins nick and sophie (who lives in wellington) and their mum (my aunty) came to stay this weekend. had heaps of funwith them and next weekend , as my mum's going up to auckland to stay with them , soph and i are going to go shopping for my ball dress and have an awesome day together on saturday.

school... well school is pretty much a fucking joke and is what's getting me down the most. we have an english assignment due tomorrow (worth 3 reading and writing credits) which i haven't done. i was off school for the first week of it and had heeeaaaaps of stuff on the second week and last week we could get it signed off. so im real disappointed and pissed off with myself for not doing it. and to make it worse my friend keepstxing me and stuff asking how my english is going which makes me want to tell her to just shut the fuck up cause we aren't all as amazing at english and motivated as she is.

work... im not enjoying it as much as i was. i don't know if this is just because im so exhausted and in a shit mood at the moment or what. but it makes me want to quit (which of course i won't)

but yeah , weekend was average. it was absolutely awesome to see my cousins and stuff though , love them so soo much xO

im just gonna have a little rant. enjoy.

on thursdays at lunch my football team go for runs, however for the last month and a bit i've been injured (my ankle) and although it's getting better i'm still not allowed to go for like a long-ish run on hard ground , especially without it strapped.

last week i played my first full game even though my physio only told me to play half at the most and yes , my ankle hurt like a bitch the next day. this apparently got my coach into thinking that i can go on runs even though after the game i told her i can't until i see the physio again (next week).

then today, i was with izzy just about to go to bagels and get lunch when i saw my coach and she was all where are you going ? so of course i just said i was going to get some food , i can't run yet cause my ankle isn't strapped and i haven't seen the physio this week. which i thought was completely reasonable as we have 2 games next week as well so i want to be all goods for those. however, apparently it wasn't reasonable at all. my coach says to me you know your not starting next week if you don't train (i.e come on the run) so i was all confused and just said um yeeaah ? and walked off.


now i'm upset because i don't think there's any reason why i shouldn't be starting and i think that my coach was way out of line telling me that i'm not. but of course i wasn't going to talk back to her cause she obviously was having none of it.


then i get to english and find out that evelyn didn't go on the run just cause she forgot to bring gear (didn't tell our coach) and no doubt she'll be starting next week. fucking joke.


that's my rant and imma go now.

thanks for being the bestest pillow in the universe .

can we pretend

that airplanes

in the night sky

are like shooting stars

i could really use

a wish right now

                               

x

i don't know why i suddenly wanted to cry when i heard you hooked up with her at some party. i don't know why it makes me hurt inside whenever i think of how you would be the perfect guy if you weren't such a slut. i don't know why i'm so scared of you saying no or that you're already going with someone. or why im so scared of asking you. i don't know why i get jealous whenever i think of you hanging out with her. i don't know why and i don't like it.

okay, so i found this post on someone elses blog but i thought i would share it with you because, well it's nice to know that i'm not the only one.

I'm the girl who prefers one rose instead of a

dozen. I'm the girl who would rather stay in on a

Friday night than go to a wild party with random

strangers. I'm the girl who wouldn't make you wait

on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make

you happy. I'm the girl who would enjoy having a

movie night rather than going to some fancy

restaurant. I'm the girl who would rather stay up

all night sharing secrets than going out and

getting drunk. I'm the girl who will give the world

to see you smile.

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now

Why would you wanna make the very first scar

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Maybe I should've seen the sign, should've read the writing on the wall.

And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall.

No matter what you say, I still can't believe

That you would walk away

It don't make sense to me but

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now

Why would you wanna make the very first scar

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

It's not unbroken anymore.

How do I get it back the way it was before

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now

Why would you wanna make the very first scar

Why would you wanna break, would you wanna break it

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now

Why would you wanna make the very first scar

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

?

i wish i was one of the st marys girls stuck in London right now.

why ?

coz then i could see my sister.

and

school is gaaaaaaaaaaaay.

i need a hug.

but not from just anyone.

my sister

one of 5 of my guy mates

you

yesterday i saw your little brother.
it's kinda crazy. kinda scary.
how much you look like him.
you two walk the same
             smile the same
             have the same eyes
             and hair
he's just a mini you
and it scared me when he recognised me
kept looking round at me
like he was thinking hey , you're that girl my big bro went out with and cheated on
maybe he loved you for a bit but who's ever gonna know if that's true
after all he is a lying asshole who doesn't know whats good for him.
well .. he probably wasn't thinking that exactly but he knew who i was
and just seeing him was enough to make me miss what we had again.

just watched Crossroads and well got me feeling the same why i always do after i watch a chickflick. pretty much just sad and thinking of you. but instead of ranting on like i usually do i think this song sums it up pretty well.

okay , in the middle of writing that i looked outside , and although it was , well , pissing down outside , through the rain and grey , the sun was shining through , the rays shone straight onto the glass on our deck and reflected in my eyes. then , i saw my last blog and all this put together reminded me that i can't change the past but the future , that i can create. and that alone is amazing. i have the oppurtunity to do whatever i want with my life. whether it be become a doctor, physio, p.e teacher, radio broadcaster , or lawyer. i can't change what you did to me , but i can control how i deal with it. and im over missing you , over crying over you and feeling upset whenever im around a couple or see a photo of you. never again will you have that much control over my life. Corry Jack Bond , go suck a fat one.

here's to the future ,

                               'cause i'm done with the past.

i never had the opportunity to meet you, but i've seen you around and you always had an absolutely gorgeous smile to share, and, from what i heard you've always been able to light up anyone's day and were just such a genuinely nice young woman. i hope you're in a better place now, and up in heaven can see how many people love you , care for you , and miss you.
to everyone who has been affected by this tragic event - Kia Kaha. we need to stand strong for each other and for Olivia now. lets live life just that little bit better for her and her family and friends. my heart goes out to you all.

Rest In Peace Olivia Rutherford. xO

i managed to put you out of my mind all summer. not thinking of you must have tricked my heart into thinking that i was over you. i was happy. i thought, finally and smiled. then i see you. shit. turns out im not over you at all. not over your smile. the way you look. smell. touch. how it feels when you hug me. talking to you. lying next to you. just being with you. how you try to be all butch. but really. i know that deep down. all you want is for someone to just need you. to love you. the problem with that is. i gave that to you. but you didnt know what to do when i did. its like even that wasnt enough for you. like having one person want you, need you, love you. more than anything else. wasnt enough. i dont understand that. never will probably. but thats just you. im not over you yet. but thats just life i guess. and in life. well.

shit happens.

so.

reading some of the posts i've made i realise how dumb they are but i ain't gonna delete them because that's how i felt at the time and even though i don't want to ever feel some of that stuff again i still  want to remember.